Old people. /Humility.

My grandparents arrived from Sydney on Wednesday evening.
I cannot lie here.
It has been the most inconvenient of times for them to come.
For me. Hello uni midsems?
But in saying that, I realise how selfish and self centred and spoilt I am in that lone sentiment.
Them? Inconvenience me?
I should be all of honoured and flattered and spending every moment I can with them.
But I'm not.
Dreams and reality have a dispute here.
And as it nears the last 48 hours of them being here... I feel nothing but utter shame and disappointment in myself. 

I didn't realise how big a head I had until tonight.
My pride.
My ignorance.
My lack of respect.
My lack of empathy.
My inalignment of words and action to my thoughts.

Here I have been, fuming at every little thing my grandfather does that irritates me.
And to be honest, the list is not short.
It's frustration, and lack of compassion to start with...
But tonight... after an insane day at work and returning home to the hustle and bustle of pre-dinner preparation and stress and tension.
I snapped.

I'm really upset with myself.
For 'dealing' the way I did.
And really it wasn't.
Here my poor grandpa was.. doing things in the way he only knows how to do...
Things that little kids do.
Like turning the faucet to full ball and sending water everywhere.
Like using the hand towel as a handekerchief.
Like slamming doors when it fails to click in place. Consecutively. Over and over.

I should have dismissed it.
But I, sick of having to clean up every time... just... couldn't contain myself.
I spoke down to him. Blunt and critical.
I made a scene.

"Miriam, just leave it, show some respect."
"You don't know what it's like, you haven't BEEEEEEN HERE WITH THEM THESE LAST FEW DAYS. You haven't had your study interrupted. You haven't had to clean up after him!!"
...

I failed to think here.
I insulted everyone in my blind fury.
My parents. Who clearly pay the bills, provide the roof over our heads and bring food to the table.
And their endless efforts to try and raise us to be the best we can.
My grandmother. Who has been living, loving, putting up with and taking care of him and his condition for years on end.
My grandfather. Who is, really, just trying his best and doing only what he knows.

And all these people?
Yeah, I actually wouldn't be here if it weren't for them.
And I just sliced them all up with my verbal diarrhea.
Yay for being a massive contradiction.
Yay for being human.
Though, that's not evn a real reason.


On top of that.
I set a lovely example for my little brother and sister.
Hypocrite.
Things are gonna change.
And. They will.
WILL.
WILL.
WILL.

Life is too short to waste being angry over trivial matters. I need to see beyond the immediate here, and appreciate what I do have. And that is two, very much alive and independent grandparents. Who have come up, out of their way to spend time with us. To spend time with me. Who love and care for me very much.
God, grant me strength and patience. Teach me humility and compassion.

-Oscar Romero

...That being not aspiring to have more time, more ease in life, more fun.

But aspiring to grow, and turn every situation into a learning experience, which I can reflect and learn from. To be more than the narrow-minded, critical-eyed monster. To be more than judgemental and impatient and temperamental. To be more than is what is expected of me.

miriam.